Commotion in the Swine Quarters

By B. R. Gowani

Chaos spread all over the swine district recently. Dire tension and worry were visible on every pig’s face. Some were flipping the newspaper pages anxiously to find the latest reports, even as others were glued to the TV news bulletins. All TV stations had cancelled their regular programming and were airing public announcements. Then there were those who had multiple windows open on their computer screens to get virtual news from every possible source.

Each pig was asking his children to avoid mingling with other piglets. The level of alert was raised to saffron. Meanwhile an emergency assembly of the swine leadership was convened to announce precautionary measures. The Chief Spokespig appeared live on TV, and was simulcast on website computers, to boost community morale as he assured his fellow members that His Swineness would address them very soon. The air was heavy with fear as though some sort of a disturbance of genocidal scale was imminent.

Finally, moments of anticipation came to an end as the Chief of Staff announced the arrival of His Swineness to address the community. It was to be telecast live on every radio, TV station, and website to reach all members.

“Lady pigs and gentleman pigs: here is His Swineness.”

“My fellow pigs, Good Evening. In the past, I have usually appeared in front of you on happy occasions. It has indeed been rare, that my presence amongst you has been to deliver unpleasant news. But unfortunately, today is one of those rare instances that I had never anticipated to confront, least of all, to announce in such an assembly. My entire body shakes in fear and trepidation. Nevertheless, as the leader of this community, it is my responsibility to inform you, based on the intelligence reports, the current situation with regard to the peril we face; and, also to give you instructions on how to protect yourself from the looming danger.

Let me delve into a little history before commenting on the present crisis.

My fellow comrades, as you are well aware we have never waged war against the human kind, even as many merciless humans continue to kill us to gratify their appetite. In fact, I think the most frequently consumed meat on our planet is pig meat: a sad fact, indeed! Our mortality rate would be even greater but for the restriction placed on the consumption of our flesh by some religions. This is the only reason I am fond of these religions.

The Jews are not supposed to eat our meat, but many in the West do, and in Israel they advertise our meat as “basar lavan” or “white meat.” There continue to be many Jews who do follow the prohibition conscientiously. Most Muslims are also quite strict in their observance of this restriction. And so, I salute them both on behalf of our swine community.

On the other hand, there are some fanatic pigs in our district who would like to be sacrificed on the occasion of Bakra Eid (Festival of Goats). Due to their strong desire, they condemn the practice of only sacrificing certain species of cattle for this occasion as sheer discrimination. They are thinking of suing the Muslim leaders on this matter.

I should clarify my administration is absolutely against this crazy idea. We are in no mood to disturb the centuries-old non-relationship with the Muslims. I should also clarify that my government does sympathize with these fanatic pigs after finally understanding their argument.

Their logic is as follows:

  • The businessmen are going to kill us anyway,
  • The death is going to be cruel
  • They will keep us in appalling conditions while we live in order to satisfy their lust for our meat.

So then,

  • Why not bypass the cruel conditions and die for Allah in a reverent way?

My government firmly believes that death whether on God’s path or under the butcher’s knife is horrible and wrong. It is in both instances, an untimely death and cannot be justified. Most members in the swine community would prefer the indifference of the Muslims to the capitalists’ depiction of us as loving characters like Miss Piggy, Mr. Porky, etc., while they murder us.

I should also mention that the Hindus, Buddhists, and Jains have all been kind to us. And we are grateful for that.

Coming back to the present crisis, let me call your attention to the symptoms of the disease which is rumored to have infected one of our kind in this district. I say it is a rumor because no cases as yet have been confirmed. The symptoms of this disease result in the infected candidates indulging in torturing, raping, and killing fellow members who have different cultures, beliefs, or life styles than the majority.

(At that moment, the Swine Security Advisor interrupted His Swineness’s speech by whispering into His ear. Upon hearing this, He heaved a sigh of relief. He then continued his speech but with a relieved tone.)

My fellow pigs! It has just been conveyed to me that there are no victims of the Modi Flu in our district. The rumors were false.

I Thank God! The confusion was due to Mr. Narendra Modi having contracted the “Swine Flu” and not the other way round.  No one of us has contracted the Modi Flu!

However, we pray to Bhagwan for Modi’s speedy recovery. Amen.”

B. R. Gowani can be reached at

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