by NADEEM F. PARACHA
Whenever there are rumours of a military coup, pray they are true. Explain that democracy and secularism are deeply flawed and have destroyed the world. Totalitarian monarchies with entrenched security and bureaucracies are much better and in line with our Arab origins. Please do not compare us to Indians. We have nothing in common with them (except our DNA, culture, cuisine, language, music and geography).
Here’s a brief knee-jerk guide to fend off ‘lies’ about Pakistani society becoming intolerant, delusional and paranoid. It was prepared and inspired by hours of TV-watching and passionate middle-class drawing-room navel gazing.
* In case of a suicide attack in a mosque or a shrine (in Punjab), just utter the following two words: “Blackwater and America.” In case of a similar suicide attack in Karachi, just say: “MQM!”
* When fanatics of a majority Muslim sect attack a minority Muslim sect, exhibit concern and anger. Then go out and burn an Israeli flag.
* When fanatics attack people of other minorities (Christians, Hindus, Ahmadis, etc.), don’t say anything. Start discussing the weather instead. “I say, fellow Muslim brother, very hot these days. Yes, fellow Muslim sister, very hot indeed. Care for some halal nimbu-paani?”
* Bellow ‘Alhamdulillah’ if a fellow Muslim echoes your own point of view on faith. But yell ‘blasphemy’ if a fellow Muslim dares to exhibit a different point of view. Shout him down and out, calling him ‘misguided,’ or worse, an ‘infidel.’ Then call this discourse ‘a healthy debate on religion.’
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